Here’s the thing about competing in the Olympics: it’s way harder to be a girl than a guy.  Don’t agree?  Well then, I’m going to turn that frown (i.e. disagreement) upside down (i.e. into staunch acquiescence).  Watch me go..

First: let’s dispense with the obvious.  Menstruation.  That’s it, that’s all we’ll say of that.  The word itself is arduous enough.

Second: the apparel.  Have you looked at what these women have to wear?  Gymnasts, beach volleyballers, water polo players (and for that matter, participants of any water-based event)?  These athletes can’t be loving their attire.  The only real respite is judo, where everyone basically looks like they’ve donned their robe to get the Sunday morning paper from the end of the driveway.  But the rest of these outfits…they’re tight.  TIGHT.  And they look uncomfortable.  I understand the concept of form-fitting attire, but these things are literally grafted to their skin.

I hear you, it’s just the way the Olympic uniforms are, right?  FALSE.  Have you seen what the men are wearing for these same events?  Take gymnastics.  Yup, the male gymnasts have on tight tank tops, but they toooootally get a pass with their breezy, MC Hammer-esque pants.  Why not have them wearing speedo bottoms, wouldn’t those be optimal for terrestrial and airborne acrobatics alike?  And volleyball? While the women wear skimpy swimsuits, the men get away with board shorts and shirts.  Oh, and of course their backwards baseball hats.  I’m serious – seriously serious – they’re part of the uniforms.  Each player has an identical USA hat, customized with their number.  Really?  Really really?  Why not wear a fashionable headband, or a barrette, just like your female complements?

Third (and this is the kill shot): Makeup.  Seriously, have you thought about it?  All these male and female athletes are performing these incredibly challenging feats of strength and agility.  They are pushing themselves to the limits of their physical prowess, not to mention brazenly taunting Sir Isaac Newton himself (who needs to revere the laws of gravity, motion, etc. anyway, right? – see links below).  But the men have it easy.  They don’t have to worry about anything but the physical task at hand.  The women, on the other hand, have to do all of those things PLUS not smear any of their foundation, rouge, or eyeliner.  Have you seen the female gymnasts, right before or after they compete in an event?  Not a smudge.  And their hair – perfectly in place, even with all the G-forces of a triple-sideways-over-around-flip-tuck-spin thing.  And the swimmers?  Some of them wear earrings in the pool!  And they have all that hair to tuck under their caps.  All of this can’t be ideal of drag reduction, can it?  C’mon guys, do you have anything that can rival these aesthetic handcuffs?  Oh, what was that?  Your legs?  You shave them?  And your armpits too?  Right, well, welcome to the two most banal, boring, everyday events in a woman’s life.

In the end, none of this really matters of course.  The men and women of the Olympics are incredible human machines and are awe-inspiring to watch.  Everyone who tries to make their national team, and those talented and fortunate enough to make it to the Olympics – you are incredible.  You raise us all up from our humdrum everydays and show us what it means to dream.  To hope.  To strive, to grind, to fall, and to get up again.  To believe, and not stop believing.  Through your physical elegance, you show us how beautiful it is to be human.  But moreover, you remind us how astonishingly lovely it is to be alive…

(…alls I’m saying is, the women do all of this with that extra touch of pizazz.)

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LINKS:

Newton’s law of universal gravitation:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newton%27s_law_of_universal_gravitation

Newton’s third law of motion:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newton’s_laws_of_motion#Newton.27s_third_law