dear new york,

i’m writing to tell you i won’t be able to make the exclusive event slated for this weekend.  i apologize, and i know the guest list was very tightly coordinated, but something’s come up and i have a conflicting engagement.  oh, and that super-secret rooftop party on tuesday afternoon, and the private breakfast bash on friday morning – i won’t be able to attend those either.

it’s not you, new york, it’s me.  i’ve changed.  you see, i’ve retired from the clandestine events game.  i am out in the public now, attending openly advertised and attended soirees.  it’s a different life, granted, but it’s much gentler on one’s social calendar.  and with mine getting up there in years, it’s nice to feel an increase in flexibility, rather than the decrease i’d been feeling for the last few years.

now i just go with the flow.  people actually invite other people to things here.  there’s no guest list, no secret password or social media badge, no elusive friend of a friend to find and win over.  people here are actually happier to have you come along and join in on the fun.

i know, new york, i know, these are very different social economies we’re talking about.  where you are, there’s a finite amount of fun and an infinitely large (and growing) pool of people who want to participate.  the fun has to be moderated, brokered, divvied up and regulated.  if you just let it flow freely, there’d be no demand.  it might dry up.  the entire system would collapse, and then everyone loses.  i know, i know, you’ve told me so many times over late night scotch in my apartment.  I get it, new york, i get it.

but things are different here.  i can’t quite put my finger on it, because there are a lot of people here too.  and there’s a lot of fun.  but it seems like two don’t negatively affect each other.  it just seems to work out.

it’s like the math is different here.  instead of a problem of division and subtraction, it’s one of addition and multiplication.  i don’t fully understand it, to be honest.  it’s the same order of operations, but perhaps one of us is dealing with some negative variables?

or, actually, you know what?  maybe it’s a size issue.  now now, i’m not saying bigger is better, you know me better than that.  i’m just saying, the places here..maybe they can just hold more people?  yeah, maybe that’s it.  the reason more people can get in on the fun must be because the buildings are larger.  sooo much larger, right?

but, well, i’m not sure that’s it either, new york.  i mean, you’re the one who’s always telling me how tall your skyscrapers are.  the tallest, you’ve said.  ’with so many feet, no one’s ever gonna retreat.’  that’s how you and your family are always joking around.

which brings me to your cousins.  i mean, don’t get me wrong, queens and the bronx are very nice.  and staten island, well, we all know he got a bum deal, with that youth head trauma and all.  but brooklyn?  i think brooklyn’s been spending time with the wrong crowd.

i remember when brooklyn was just so different.  hard working, family oriented, proud, respectful, so absorbed in history.  but now.  i mean. c’mon, brooklyn.  you can’t don the facade of bohemia while also acting so exclusive.  i understand wanting being illusive, but your closet full of contradiction isn’t surpassingly attractive.

i still love brooklyn, just like i love you and all your relatives.  you will always be like family to me.  i’m just saying, if you and your cohorts don’t get out more, there’s a real chance of inbreeding.  and while you’re still one of the best places in the world, new york, i think you’d do well to pull yourself away from the mirror once in a while and see if anyone else wants to come out and play.

all my love,

your ex.